my dead computer is alive! alive i tell you! alive!
i know people have judged me with neverending critisms and secret inside jokes about what i say in here with their imaginary friends. i shall not hold anything against you because i do that too.
someone said indirectly that i seem to post about things that happen to me and i will diss that person in here. well this is sort of a journal you know.
firstly, i am not sensitive when you tease my better half. its like me teasing your mama. you tease behind me, not in front of me. i love you as a friend but i resent what you said about him.
i have the best of two worlds, friends and lovers. but it is not focking cool when one teases the other party when one havent even met the other party. you can tease but know where you stand. you do not put it up in your profile for the world to see.
its funny when its not you they are teasing.
enjoy this last post. i have decided to officially end this so as to have freedom of speech.
i am moving.
and you will never find me.
xoxoxo
ladollyvita at 4:59 PM
you know something is wrong when meaningless words of a boy who is not even half your age, broke your heart.
it was like a reality check with a slap in the face. thank you small boy for pointing out my sheer stupidity.
i despise him to the very core for blatantly saying such.
and the girl beside me is banging the mouse loudly. what the fuck?
but my anger derives from the fact that i have issues against the subject proposed by the small boy. its not him, its me. what he said reminded me of how i am nothing.
\\
ladollyvita at 1:44 PM
the school library is now my home.
there are times where you make a big deal out of nothing and in the end think it is sort of hilarious.
i am really thinking about what happened yesterday and it is outrageously funny that i reacted so barbaricly towards you. for that i apologize with all my heart.
but your reaction towards my reaction provoked me to withstand the barbaric approach.but i understand that you too were just reacting at that very moment. its okay. we're all alike.
my jacket smells of ciggerettes. wonder if people around me now can smell the stinkiness of it all.
this semester i am a rebel without a cause. skipping lectures and tutorials and dropping cds. i am bound to get at least four warning letters. so buckle up elly, your parents are going to kick your arse.
i have come to realize i have no purpose in life. i am living just because i have to. i do not wish to die though. comtemplating suicide is so passe.
but living without a purpose is just like being dead inside.
i know, i have everything from lovers to friends to a loving family. it is all good enough.
the saddest person in the world is one who has everything but is still sad.
ladollyvita at 1:34 PM
i have been gone for awhile now and will still be missing. my ancient...lets say vintage computer died somewhere last week. i am left with nothing to do but peel toe nails and thumb skins. ok so theres HBO.
things i have done in the real world:
// woke in the wee hours of the morning to travel to SP to watch the boy play soccer in some competition.
// skipped alot of tutorials and lectures.
// met the most disgusting boy in the world, teaching him english actually.
// still short and small, so people please just stop saying "am i taller or are you getting shorter?" everybody says that, not referring to any one person. do stop.
// struggling to save money.
// hating accountings and statistics and girls and cin.....hrmph
// and finally thanks lynox for pampering me on sunday.
ladollyvita at 2:08 PM
happy 2005
ladollyvita at 11:53 AM
just because i often skip freakin lectures and tutorials doesnt fucking make me a fucking dumb arse.
it only makes me a lazy arse.
i hate empty promises.
nevertheless, three months isnt long and my discrimination towards some people never cease to end. oh, dont get me wrong i am not a racist.
and to that someone, you are the fucking younger brother so behave like one and give fucking respect to your elder brother. who the fuck do you think you are? i never liked you and your family. you are so rude, selfish and proud.
i am heartbroken today by everybody else but the boy.
the boy is picking up the pieces for me.
i adore you like no other.
ladollyvita at 10:08 PM
follow the boy in the black shirt
he took me to places so far away
to the galaxy of stars and beyond.
i love the way he moves
it sets my heart ablaze.
when he snaps pictures of me
i wonder what he sees
i wonder what he thinks.
the boy
is my superhero
come on, azfar, lets go home.
ladollyvita at 9:47 PM
my cousin passed away this mourning. he left this world, his wife and five children. the eldest is only fifteen and the newborn is only six months old.
i visited him at changi hospital's icu last night. he was still unconcious yet when you touch his hand, his head twitch a little. it makes you feel so sad to see this small man lying helplessly on the bed with tubes poking here and there and his last few hours of life was being run by machines. there's nothing you can do but look and shed tears. it makes it even more sad that the doctor said there is no hope and we should make the choice whether or not to pull the plug. oh only god knows the pain a wife or a mother would feel.
this morning, the doctor told the wife to call all the relatives to come down to see him. for the last time. his wife held his hand tight and talked to him even though he was still lying there unconcious. his two older sons held him and whispered in his ears. his mother crying uncontrollably holding him. his relatives reading verses from the quran and crying. then his heart stopped beating and the machines were turned off.
my other cousin is getting married this sunday. the wedding will seem rather sad. everybody will be tired going from one place to another. preparing for the wedding and visiting my widow aunt's place for kenduris.
we come and go but we dont know when. life is ever so precious and can be taken away from you anytime. today happened so fast. my cousin is now gone. his wife will cry till she sleeps these few nights. his two older children too. his two little girls will only have scraps of memories of their father. his newborn dont even get the chance to know her father.
so much tears shed today for a young life lost.
ladollyvita at 6:50 PM
when i talk abt friendster and everything that is in it. i am simply referring it to people i know and whom i dislike. so for those whom i dont, dont take it personal. i dont know you, i wont diss you.
it is just about this little group of self-proclaimed fashionistas.
one of them who thinks one is petite, when fo' real yo, is just short and chubby.
and another one who tells the world one is witty and read alot of books and is witty. yes i meant to say that twice.
and plus all the other friends of theirs alike.
and no, they are not gay.heh.
i just dont quite like people who self-proclaim themselves as this and that. oh and the darn laughter is fuckin annoying, do work on it.
well, if they do stumble upon this. they will despise me. but hey, this is some sort of a journal right? so what the fuck do you expect? no critism and just talk about what i did today and the day before that and the day before that? hell no.
i have somewhat lost track of what a journal really is. without a doubt writing in a book is so much better and real as compared to blogging. but alas, i am on the computer almost the whole day and night. blogging however, is a show offish way for people to tell other people by not trying to tell them directly but indirectly and then not be called a show off-er. when really, if you think about it, we're all just show off-ers.
and now you judge me with what you have just read.
we're all hypocrites and are always in denial.
ladollyvita at 10:05 AM
the fine line between reality and dream is unknown. others see you sleeping but you can practically see them with your eyes closed. it is not easy to explain but im sure most of you have experienced it before.
it feels so real, you shout and you struggle to breathe. but the people on the other side can never hear you. then you realized that you are in a whole different realm. a place similar to what you see in reality but is just simply a whole different side. and you feel lucky that you dont see them. those playful entity of a different kind. cos then maybe, you wont be able to close your eyes for more than a minute.
ladollyvita at 11:54 AM
